waiting for a miracle

Things no one tells you

on April 5, 2016

I’m not sure what it’s like for a normal pregnancy. The ones where people have their baby at the end and don’t experience any losses. 

For those of us who have only ever experienced joy and hope for a future with a pregnancy only to lose it, we haven’t experienced that certainty of birth with a real, live baby. So it’s only natural that we worry. We worry about every tingle, every twinge, every pain, each loss of symptom. We know that symptoms come and go, but we worry. We don’t want to go to the toilet because then we are so anxious to check our undies and the toilet paper and we pray like crazy that there’s no blood there. Every moment of every day, we are hoping, and many of us praying, for this miracle growing inside to keep growing and to finally come true. 

We eat right, super healthy. We take a concoction of medications and do a ton of reading to make sure that we are doing everything we can to make this baby live another day. We have many blood tests and scans. And then we ask our friends if our results are okay and we stupidly go to Dr Google to see if we are in track. And this whole on track can vary so widely so of course we are on track, and then we aren’t on track with another website and then we worry. 

We tell ourselves not to worry. To breathe and relax. Everything is going to be fine. But the truth is we have no idea how things will turn out and we are absolutely terrified of experiencing another loss of hopes and dreams – accompanied by the total physical pain of the loss. We are scared inside. More than we will ever let on, on the outside we try to stay calm and keep it together. 

When we are in the lead up to a point where a previous pregnancy came to a crashing end, this fear only intensifies. We are an emotional roller coaster. The tears flow frequently and just as quickly we pull ourselves together and say everything is different this time. 

But then one of our friends in our group of expectant mothers all due at the same time shares with us that their scan didn’t go well and their baby has passed away. We all grieve. Then we all get scared again for our own babies. 

This is what no one tells you about pregnancy. The constant fear that your baby will pass away. That the pain in your tummy that wakes you up at night could be your baby passing away. A doctor would probably explain that it is just our uterus stretching to make room for the baby. Doing wonderful and miraculous things to grow this miracle. Somehow our fears always remain. Will these fears ever go away? 

I know I speak for so many women because we all share these fears and anxieties with each other. Some of us have coping strategies and some of us don’t. I choose to pray. I believe in God and I believe he has a future and a purpose for my life. So I pray. I know that everything with this pregnancy is completely out of my control. I am doing everything I possibly can with the medication protocol that I am on. So now the rest is up to God. I find myself praying at every waking moment and even in my dreams. I’ve never prayed so much in all my life that I often wonder if God is getting sick of his daughter talking to him all day. If I had a daughter on earth, I would love to hear her talk to me and tell me about all of her worries. I would love that she trusted me to listen to her concerns. I would love to help her feel better. I would love to just be there for her. I would love to have a daughter or a son. I hope God feels the same when I talk to him so much.

I’m not just praying for us and our baby. I’m praying for my dear friends who have had their babies pass away. My heart aches for them. I’m praying for God to give them comfort and strength. I’m praying for all of the ladies who are pregnant, that they will have successful pregnancies, that they won’t experience the complete devastation of losing a baby. I’m praying for those who are trying and month after month face heartache. I’m praying for those who didn’t want to be pregnant – that they will love their babies and that they will be a blessing to them. I’m praying for those around the world who are watching their babies die but they have nothing to feed them. What heartache. I’m praying for more people will look into sponsoring a child so that they can have a hope and a future and that their family and community will benefit from that that too. I’m praying for the animals and for people to show compassion. 

Then I thank God for all of the things in my life. I thank him for the opportunity for this pregnancy and for each day forward we have come. I thank him for my wonderful husband, Scott, who does an amazing job looking after my massive food intake and the housework. I thank him for my beautiful three dogs. They bring so much joy to my life. I thank him for my family and my friends. I thank him for a roof over our heads and the peace that we have here. I thank him for so many things. There are blessings all around us, we just sometimes forget to see them. 

Before long I’m not stressing about this baby because I’m now thinking about others. I think that’s the key. Turning our innermost thoughts and fears into thinking about others. Praying for others. Caring about others. 

I’m not perfect and I do pray about and for our baby a lot! But I know that this pregnancy is out of my control. 

In the lead up to our scan on Friday I would be lying if I said that I’m not beyond anxious. That I can cry at any given second because that fear and that feeling of loss is still so raw. That each pain has me so incredibly worried. That’s at times I can barely breathe because I can feel that devastating loss that we had in October, and the 5 before that. I’m counting down the days to the scan. I’m believing that we are going to have great news. That I will be happy. That Scott will be happy. 

One thing I do know is that there will be plenty of tears no matter what the outcome of the scan is. We have given our all to get here and when we see that heartbeat and that baby taking shape there is a flood of emotions. 

If you are in a similar situation as us, this fear is normal. But don’t let it steal your joy. At times my joy is stolen to the haunting of the past. But not for long. I smile as I hold my growing belly in my hands and I pray for God to look after our baby. 

Thank you for all of your prayers for us. It is an overwhelming comfort to know that others care for us and that you are praying. In these moments of endless fear, the end of the fear does come closer because we have those prayers being said for us. Thank you so very much. Even people who don’t believe are praying for us and for that we thank you so much, too. 

3 days until our scan. They can’t come soon enough. Finding this insanely positive person that is usually the everyday me has been a little difficult these last few days, but I know she’s there and the positivity is still there, it’s just hiding a little. 

“As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.”

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭71:14‬ ‭NIV‬‬


6 responses to “Things no one tells you

  1. Amanda says:

    Beautifully expressed Jen, with love and very, very, very best wishes for Friday xxx ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Erin says:

    I love how special you make your readers feel to be a part of this journey xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Aw thanks Erin. 🙂 we feel so blessed to have everyone along for the ride. And even more blessed that people take the time to read it. It’s truly such an honour to be able to share this with you xxx


  3. Alicia says:

    I don’t know how i missed this blog but I’m glad i finally found it. It brings me so much joy to see you at work always smiling, positive. You’ve expressed your feelings so honestly and beautifully. You have a friend and admirer in me Jenni. I wish you and Scott ask the very best. Your baby has awesome parents already😊😊😊

    Liked by 1 person

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