waiting for a miracle

Week 12 – We have made it to week 12!

on April 23, 2016

Today is Wednesday and that means we are officially 12 weeks. Up until Monday I had been feeling calm and happy with how things were going….

 

My faith is growing each day!

 
But then in the past 2 days, 3 friends have found out that their babies have passed away. We are all close in weeks gestation so this is scary. I know what they will be going through and it’s really got me down. I’m so sad for them and then so worried for our baby now. 

Then last night I had another terrible nightmare – I got to the scan and again those horrible words that every pregnant couple dreads. The baby had stopped growing. This horrible nightmare was on repeat again. No matter how many toilet stops and back to sleeps I had in the night, this kept playing.

 

This is something I keep reminding myself.

 
I keep reciting some declarations from the bible and trying to remain positive but it is hard. It’s especially harder when there are so many changes in the body that a woman has no idea if one is normal or one isn’t and should we be concerned or not? Symptoms come and go so it is terrifying. And why don’t we get taught about this at school instead of how not to get pregnant only?! There’s so much going on and we have no idea if it’s normal or something to worry about. Thankfully with social media we can ask in our private groups if anyone else is experiencing blah blah blah and generally we find that others are having the same things. Helps relieve a few fears. The hunger! Oh my goodness if we don’t eat almost all the time then we feel like throwing up! Who would have thought hey?!

I used to always say that I never wanted to have children. I sometimes wonder if I cursed myself. Truth was, every time I said this, it wasn’t true. I was just scared of the birth part of having kids. No, that’s an understatement – I was petrified of the birth and labour part. Why? Because all I had heard about pregnancy is how not to fall pregnant and how terrible labour is. So it wasn’t that I didn’t want kids, I just had this insane fear about labour. Note to women out there – stop scaring young people!!! Talk about the incredible miracle that is growing a baby instead! Talk about the journey and how your body changes and how amazing our bodies are that we can birth a human being! Help younger women feel empowered rather than terrified. 

Now, after all of our pain along the way, birth doesn’t scare me at all. We have had the heartache of losing so many babies that my biggest fear isn’t childbirth anymore, but having to go through another miscarriage or a still birth. I’m sure labour will be a challenge, but it’s one I am up for. I will take that any day over another loss – which by the way includes labour pains anyway! 

One of the hardest realisations is that it’s all out of our control. The things in our control, we are doing. But the rest is not ours to control. What the future holds is a mystery. I wait with hope, that there is a plan and a purpose for a prosperous future. 

  
Last week we found the cot that I’ve been waiting to buy for a year now. We’ve said all along that when we have kids we don’t need new stuff. Hand me downs and stuff from op shops are the way to go. Our kids don’t need lots of toys because they will have their imaginations and will develop that through carefully selected toys that we started collecting years ago. So we don’t want to go buying a whole heap of things. We don’t need them and nor do the kids. 

They will need a cot to sleep in though. And the cot I found was and is perfect for introducing a baby to three dogs. It will help with the transition to be set up for success. (I’m a dog trainer, too, so this is something I’m very passionate about.) Anyway, this cot rarely goes on sale and when it does it is still crazy expensive. And because it is new on the market I haven’t seen any on eBay or other selling sites. Until last week. We found a person selling theirs second hand. And even better it’s virtually brand new because their baby slept in their bed and wouldn’t sleep when they put them down away from their bed. (Note to self – we are going to train our baby to sleep in the cot!) So we got it quite cheap! Woo hoo!!! I’m so excited about it!! Pictures to come when we finally have a baby to put in the cot! Oh and have to add too, the seller was called Ivy! Meant to be or what?!

And to top that off, I am on a free cycle email list. I’ve not asked for anything or replied to pick stuff up but a lady very generously listed a baby capsule for the car last week. I worked out how to reply to her and asked if it was still available. It was. So we organised for a pick up time. The capsule is pretty much brand new, too! In excellent condition! The lady and her husband so generously gave it to us. We are over the moon excited!!! We couldn’t believe just how much of a blessing this was and is! To be gifted something that would cost us lots and of course is a necessity. If she is reading this, thank you so much! I have had so many happy tears each time I think about your generosity. I am excited to take some photos of it once our baby is coming home from the hospital later in the year. 

Friday – scan day

So finally Friday came (and went really fast, considering it felt like it took ages for it to come to be Friday!!). I decided to do another social media black out ban on myself so that I could just be and focus – I couldn’t take any more bad news right before our scan. I was already so anxious as it was about if our baby was still alive. In the lead up to today I have had so many nightmares. And in just this past week so many more ladies have found out that their babies have passed away. Another baby passed away on Thursday. It’s really hard on everyone because for some of these ladies, we have supported each other for at least one round of IVF (for some many months and many rounds), the highs the lows and then finally the pregnancy. And to celebrate each week together, compare symptoms, provide positive outlooks and then to grieve in the loss/es. And most of these lovely ladies are now grieving in isolation because no one would even know that they were pregnant yet. Breaks my heart knowing what they are going through along with their partners. 

 

All pregnancies should be celebrated.

 
So these nightmares have probably been my subconscious processing all of these losses. Or at least trying to. Finally I also had one positive dream where the scan went well and we found out the baby was a boy – not that you find out the gender at 12 weeks, it’s too early to see in a scan properly but in dreams everything is possible. We have no idea of the gender yet by the way. We would just be happy with a healthy baby. We don’t care too much about the gender. 

Friday morning was a big rush getting the dogs fed and ready for a long day without us. And in true style I lost track of time, giving myself about 15 minutes to get ready. Ah!!! I drove to Scott to pick him up from work, then we left my car on the road somewhere so we could take just the one car in. Traffic was a bit hectic but thankfully we made it. Signed a few forms and answered some questions. Some of the questions were about if this was through IVF etc. 

Then we were taken into the scan room. Pretty purple walls and dark purple trimmings. The place was pretty. I tried to spark up conversation with the sonographer (this is at a specialist place for the 12 week scan, so not at our usual place). She didn’t seem the type to want to chat. So she did the scan and very objectively pointed out what she was looking at. Something that could be so exciting was a bit bland but that’s okay. It was amazing to see the tiny fingers and fists, the nose, the tiny toes, the spine, the head, the brain, the arteries, the heart pumping and even more exciting to hear the heart beating. She needed to do an internal ultrasound and asked if I had had these before and if I would be okay with one… In my head I replied: Ummmmm yeah, the form did say this is an IVF baby, you pretty much can’t have IVF without those scans, hunny- I’ve had more than you can even begin to count… Out loud I replied, “yes, that’s fine.” And smiled. πŸ˜‰

Unfortunately she didn’t allow photos so we don’t really have much to share except our memories and the good news that the scan revealed no visual issues. At this scan they look at the nuchal chord and measure the thickness – you want it thin because thick suggests issues that will take some careful planning for birth and beyond. Then again any baby takes planning for but this just tells us what the chances are that your baby has any conditions. 

Yeah, I got a sneaky photo!!!

We also did the harmony test which tests for chromosome issues (remember Hope had a chromosome issue so this is important for us based on our history). This test will tell us the gender of the baby, too. So we should get these results in about two weeks – the tests have to be sent to America. We decided to do these tests so that we have a greater idea about what to expect. Some conditions are fatal and we would rather know what to expect. And some conditions are not fatal but we would want as much time as we can to educate ourselves so that we can best support our baby right from birth if there was anything to plan for. 

Harmony Test – ready to be sent to the USA. Even the box is pretty!

So we left the ultrasound place feeling so strange. We were, on one hand over the moon. All of our prayers had been answered! Ivy is alive, on track and even measuring a bit ahead, developing well in every way visible, strong heartbeat and no issues. Yet, on the other hand, the scan was done in such a way that it was a tad bit like we were watching a text book delivery with no emotive side. That sort of deflated us a bit too. We missed our regular ultrasound place. Maybe we have just been really spoiled by their compassion. Plus, for $800 you’d think they would let you take photos of something that has been 7 years in the making!!! Haha, ummmm no!  

Ivy at 12 weeks 2 days (measuring 12 weeks 3 days)

So the greatest news ever is that we have survived the 12 week hurdle and everything looks great! Praise God!!!! For it is only through Him that we are even able to have a baby! We obviously can’t reiterate enough that there is still a long way to go. We know that anything can happen and change in the split second in pregnancy – just because we have made 12 weeks by no means makes this a safe time. The safer time really only starts at 24-26 weeks when medical professionals can help if a baby comes early, there is then a chance for survival. So we are cautiously over the moon excited and happy! We are also, as I said, cautious! We haven’t had the privilege of going through an entire pregnancy to the end with a live human being to take home yet. This is uncharted territory for us and we are excited to be entrusted with the absolute privilege of navigating this journey. 

We don’t have any more scans booked – that will change after I see my obstetrician, trust me on that one!!! Haha. But we do see our IVF clinic as a follow up from this scan next week. Have to say – they are amazing! Most clinics wave goodbye to you after confirming you are pregnant with a scan around 6 or 7 weeks. Ours has kept us close and wanted us there until they could follow up this scan. Can’t say enough great things about our clinic. They really do care! 

We will see our obstetrician the following week as our starting appointment officially with him (even though I’ve already been seeing him every 3 weeks at the intralipids anyway). So we probably won’t have any more news for at least another two weeks. Other than the fact that, knowing me, I will be a tad bit worried again this time next week after the high of knowing all is okay settles down. 

I had another intralipid infusion last week. And you guessed it, my best buddy was there to meet me. I’m sure we are crossing paths for a reason. I just don’t know what yet. I was super friendly to him again and he talked a little more this time. And you’ll never believe it – he got the needle in first go, no wobbling or anything. Was the best one I’ve had done by him before. I was seriously saying “thank you God!!!” My next one is 3 weeks from last week. They sure do add up but hey, we do what we have to! Can’t say we aren’t trying our best. 

All hooked up to the machine.

My dad came to visit.

Dad got to eat the icecream. At least it wasnt wasted.


 

Surprise! It’s the same meal every time!

 
The intralipids usually end around 11-11.30pm. Then we have to drive the hour and a half home. 

Scott was so tired. He even sleeps with a smile on his face – that’s because he doesn’t have a needle in his arm!

The next morning we did a long drive to visit my Nanna as she is getting older and we wanted to see her. It is a 12ish hour drive to Brisbane. It was very hard to wake up so early after such a late night. But it was worth it to see her as I won’t be flying during this pregnancy. Here we are together and showing her my growing belly. She has been praying for us everyday for many years. It was a very short visit and we drove home the next day. We wish we had more time.   

 
  
Here’s a photo of my bump at 11 weeks:

 

Here’s a photo of me at 12 weeks. Whilst the baby is the size of a plum, the uterus is the size of a melon. Pretty impressive how fast it grows. The first trimester the uterus grows pretty fast – that’s the bump we all see first, and then the baby grows into it. It’s fascinating what our bodies do. So all of this eating is to sustain me! All this extra blood flow and I think Ivy gets hungry a lot because I’m hungry a LOT! Yet I haven’t put on any extra weight yet! Isn’t it crazy? I’m eating so much, I now have a very visible bump and yet my weight hasn’t changed since egg pick up (that was the last time I weighed myself before I got weighed again yesterday). 

  

So once again thank you all for your prayers and support! Truly means so much to us! If you can spare a prayer for those who have just had to say bye to their babies that would be very kind of you. Thank you! And we will update again soon. xxx

 


10 responses to “Week 12 – We have made it to week 12!

  1. Sarah says:

    Amazing news Jen. I’m so happy for you both!! Love Sarah (IVF due in May group) big hugs xxoo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Tracie says:

    Oh Hun….I always love hearing about your journey….especially how well Ivy is growing….lots of Love

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Thanks Tracie πŸ™‚ it’s so exciting to be able to share the journey πŸ™‚ it’s like a fun road trip and we are all along for the ride πŸ™‚ xxx

      Like

  3. Erin says:

    I am so so happy for you and can’t wait to hear more amazing news πŸ™‚ a beautiful journey you are on xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Elizabeth Richardson says:

    Wonderful news Jenni and Scott. Remembering you all in prayer.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So so happy for you xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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