waiting for a miracle

Release

Flashbacks. They come every time I go to the toilet. I have to mentally prepare myself and force myself to think positive, yet remain realistic and prepared.

Flashbacks are an interesting thing. They aim to bring us down. They steal our mental health state. They bring us to the worst case scenario. And I don’t just mean in this scenario, but of course they are a challenge now too.

Flashbacks of teen years. Flashbacks of people who should have been more responsible and not so predatory. I know many people who fight these types of flashbacks every day. They are fighters and stronger than they realise.

I went to church on Sunday. Something we’ve been trying to do. We have two home churches now. One that we were going to regularly before the craziness of life. Life got in the way in a big way. And we tried so hard to keep going regularly but then sicknesses came and just every week it was something else. Because the church is a 45 minute drive, it’s not something we can just pop in to. Perhaps we gave up trying after a while. Our faith in Jesus never left us. And we get defeated by our own crazy lives.

So lately we’ve found our second home church. When we can we will still visit our first home church. The one we’ve been going to is a 7 minute walk or a 2 minute drive. With me being as restful as possible while still being a working mum, we take the driving option. But we’ve been going regularly. And we aim to keep this up. And we’ve found people who we connect with too. Which is awesome.

Anyway on Sunday we were standing there. Singing the most wonderful worship song. It was as if my heart had written the lyrics. I struggled to hold back the tears to be honest. The song talked about letting go of my fears and laying them at His feet. In that moment I realised something pretty significant and life changing. I had been walking by faith and had been praying and telling God how terrified I am etc. It never dawned on me that I should give that fear to God.

So I stood there singing this song and decided in that moment that I will now give that fear over to God. And each day I make a conscious effort to do that.

It’s a lot easier when I’m having a clear time but it’s still scary. I’m giving that fear away every time *before* I use the loo or do the undie check. And what a difference it’s had on my perspective.

I needed to hit rock bottom with my fear. And I did. I hit the absolute bottom of the valley and felt like I was in the darkest of places for a while there. And I hope I don’t go back there. I feel like I’m slowly coming out of the valley.

That’s the thing right. With faith. We have no promise that our lives will be perfect. In fact we are told quite the opposite. BUT God is there with us. Teaching us and guiding us. I’ve learned so much in the last 14 and a bit weeks. More than I could have expected. I’ve gained friendships I never thought were coming. And I hope that I’ve been able to provide insight for some, and comfort to those who have been or who are in the same position.

So for now I’m feeling okay. I’m still terrified of the return of blood. But I’m now giving that fear to God. What a weight off of my shoulders. I only have to carry that fear until I remember to give it back. I don’t need to own it or be burdened by it.

The person who wrote that song, when they wrote it, I have no idea what or who they were thinking of when they wrote it. But it has been used to release so much anxiety that was crippling me. We never know how our actions or how what we share will impact another’s life. We could bring release and healing, or we can bring that crippling fear. Sometimes your words are the answers to someone’s prayers or problems. Sometimes God uses you to speak to someone else. And that’s exactly how God used this song for me.

So if anyone else is going through something absolutely terrifying. That extreme life or death fear. Crippling. You don’t know how things will turn out. Your anxiety is weighing you down. Or even if you just have a tiny fear about something. Give it to God. Literally take it into your hands and hand it to God. He can carry it for you so that you can be free. Jesus came to heal and bring freedom. Allow Him to opportunity to release you from your chains of crippling fear.

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