waiting for a miracle

Our Journey to now

on October 10, 2015

How to make a baby... well almost.

I thought I would start with a bit of a background on where we have come from and where we are at right now. I’m normally a pretty private person. I don’t like to share too much about myself or talk about sad stuff because I would rather focus on positive things. But I think it’s time for the taboo about infertility to go away and for it to be something we can all talk about easily and without judgement.

I’m not sure how to deal with all of this. It’s literally a roller coaster of emotions. One second I’m feeling okay and not too worried about the world. And then the next I’m in tears and I don’t know how I’m going to even brush my hair.

We have been on this journey of trying to welcome a baby into to our family since I was 25. I’m now 31 and almost 32. That makes it almost 7 years to try and start our family. 7 years! We could have had 9 kids in that time – almost. Instead we have now had 6 miscarriages and many failed cycles.

It all started with our first miscarriage when I was 25. We weren’t planning for a family but we had the approach that when it happens it happens. So when we found out we were pregnant we were shocked but so excited. Scott’s father had recently passed away so this new life had brought us new hope.

Unfortunately on Christmas Day I started having stabbing pains in my tummy. So we went to the emergency department at the hospital. We had to wait there for ages and were quite entertained by the guy that had almost chopped his finger off while cutting the turkey after a few too many drinks. That helped ease our worries as we talked with him and his family about their festive day. We were sent home a while later and all seemed okay until New Years Eve. By 3 am we were back at emergency with excruciating pain and bleeding. After an overnight stay for observation we were released back home to try and relax. Yeah right! 2 days later on the 3rd of January, on my 26th birthday we lost our first angel to heaven at around 7.5 weeks. Nothing can describe the loss, heartache and physical pain that we went through.

In the years that followed, we had another 4 miscarriages all between 5 weeks and 7 weeks. We were never investigated properly by any of our doctors or sent for further testing, despite our concerns being raised. One doctor (who has ironically since been discredited as a doctor) even told me “no need to be so dramatic it’s just another miscarriage” when I asked if she could refer me to a specialist for testing after our 5th loss. After that loss we decided it was time to move from an outback country town to a main city so we could get some help and investigation.

It took us about 6 months to find our feet in our new area and I finally found a great doctor who sent us for testing and to a specialist who did lots of testing and exploration surgery to check everything was fine with me. Hubby also had lots of testing. All results came back fine. Great. No problems.

We were put on clomid to try for 4 cycles and if we weren’t pregnant by the end of that we were to go back to our obstetrician. Clomid is evil!!! It’s horrible! The things it makes you feel or think is terrible! I remember visual disturbances at night after I would take it. Felt like I was high as a kite. And would make me have such bad mood swings too. Was a very scary feeling and doing that to my body just felt wrong but we persevered in the hope of a child. In each clomid cycle we had to time sex well to do it at the right time.

While we were cycling on clomid Scott had a job working night hours while I worked day hours. We would cross paths for about half an hour every morning. So timing ‘the deed’ was very hard (pardon the pun) and really took any romance out of it. Either I would have to wake up in the middle of the night at 2/3am or he would have to wake up extra early before I went to work. Those four cycles were tough work with no rewards. And the clomid headaches were horrible too. But we tried it. We have it our best shot.

We went back to our fertility specialist in our 5th month to see what next. IVF was the recommendation so we got our referral for an IVF clinic. Looking at the cost of IVF is enough to freak anyone out, especially those of us living pay-check to pay-check with a mortgage. I’ve heard many people say that if you can’t afford IVF then you can’t afford a baby. This is a saying that makes my blood boil! I am usually a calm and peaceful person but this makes me want to slap whoever says that in the face! Because it’s so far from reality and anyone who says that clearly has no real comprehension of the cost of IVF (or the cost of a child). It can cost anywhere from $5,000-$20,000 per cycle. That means every 28 days, if you have a 28 day cycle, you have to find that sort of money. Sorry but a baby does not cost around $10,000 every 28 days. Many of us have to go through multiple IVF cycles with additional medications or additional scientific intervention to give us a chance at a child which all adds up the price tag more.

Anyway, we decided we simply could not afford IVF. This was in February of 2015. I was in a few trying to conceive social media support groups and thought I would ask for a contact for the new bulk billed IVF clinic that I had seen on the news in late 2014, well mostly bulk billed. Some girls were kind enough to give me the place’s name and contact details. I made the call and managed to get an appointment the very next day!

We went to this appointment and we were sent away for further testing. In a months time we were to go back and see the fertility specialist.

So we went away and had all of our testing done on exact days in the cycle and had the ultrasound on the exact day, blood work urine analysis. You name it we had it.

A month later we went to see our fertility specialist. Results all came back fine but due to previous history of the 5 miscarriages she wanted to send us for further testing. After our appointment we went to the blood collection at the clinic and had many bloods taken. I had 38 vials of blood taken.

We had to wait for the results before we could see our specialist again. So a month later we went back to see her. Everything had come back normal so we were approved to start our first IVF cycle. And as luck would have it (finally on our side) my cycle had just started that day. Our first IVF cycle was starting right then, in April of 2015. We were so excited. We were fast tracked to see the nurse to learn how to inject needles into my leg. Most people inject into the tummy but as I’m a thin person there wasn’t enough excess there to inject.

Scott was the hero in this situation. He paid attention to the administration as he knew my extreme phobia of needles gave us no hope of me injecting myself. I had always told my parents when I was younger that they had nothing to worry about with me – I was terrified of needles and couldn’t swallow tablets. I had no chance of being a drug user. Well now I was being forced to inject and the only way that was going to happen was with Scott doing it!

Before we could pick up our medications we had to have a day one blood test. So we went and had that done. We would then go home to wait for the call to give the go ahead to pick up medications. We picked them up the following day after our call and that night started with our first injection. At the last second I decided to try my tummy because that’s what all the ladies were doing in the support groups that I was part of. Well that was a mistake. It hurt so much and still hurt the next day. I really didn’t have enough padding! The following night at exactly 7pm it was medication time. This time we tried the upper thigh and it wasn’t as bad. 7pm became our injecting time every night.

Injections continued for a few days until it was time for my blood test monitoring and internal ultrasound to monitor the follicle growth. To get to the city for a 7.30am appointment we had to be on the road by 4.20am to catch the train. After these appointments we would then have to go to our work places. Thankfully Scott’s job had changed to day time shifts by this stage which was a huge relief.

The blood work and ultrasounds continued every second day for me for a week and a half. Part of the way through it was time to start injecting our second nightly needle. Two needles every night. Eek! Scary! The second one would hurt more as the needle was bigger.

Soon it was time for our third needle – the trigger. This one was a once off (not a daily one) thankfully. And it has to be timed at exactly the right time so ensure at egg collection in a few days my eggs would be ready for harvest at exactly the right time.
After trigger you get a day off from any injections. Woo hoo!

36-48 hours later it would be time to go in for day surgery to have eggs collected (and of course more needles) and sperm solicited so that the scientists could do their thing with our things. 😉

My first egg collection went well and I had slight bleeding for a few days afterwards. In the following days there was some pain but it was bearable. You’d think after egg collection the hard work is over. But it isn’t. Then you wait to find out if your eggs and and sperm make friends or not. I had 19 eggs collected which put me at risk of hyper-stimulation which can be very risky. Of the 19 eggs 5 fertilised. That was a bit of a disappointment but we knew there were no guarantees any would. Or that each follicle even had an egg to collect.

Five days after egg collection we were booked in for a transfer because my blood test came clear of complications. Woo hoo! Transfer was on a Saturday morning and Scott couldn’t have time off work. As I lay there having an embryo placed inside of me it dawned on me that if this worked we could say to our kid that their father wasn’t there at conception. Haha. That made me giggle. Transfer was done and the two week wait began. I used to think this part was the hardest. But I don’t think that anymore. I’ll tell you why later – the hardest part is the weekly wait in pregnancy, more on that later.

After two weeks of inserting the dreaded crinone gel morning and night (at exactly the right time to be 12 hours apart) into a place you really don’t want to be inserting anything it became clear this cycle had failed. And what’s worse none of our fertilised embryos had made it to freeze. As if failure isn’t bad enough, it’s a smack in the face having the period return just to remind you how much it hasn’t worked. Plus there is that pregnancy blood test which I knew would come back negative.

A month later we were booked in to see the fertility specialist again to see where to next. We were approved to start another cycle. So the forms were signed and the many blood work forms were given to us to use during the cycle.

Day one came and we had our blood test. The call came to say we could pick up our meds and start our injections. Round two went very similar to round one, until egg collection. This round my medication dose had altered slightly so that I wouldn’t produce so many eggs. Same number of needles but less liquid to inject. We had decided to do ICSI this cycle rather than straight IVF. That means the scientists insert the sperm into each egg to make them fertalise.

Finally after the monitoring blood tests and ultrasounds my follicles were ready for egg collection. So it was another day surgery procedure. This time I had some nasty complications. When I woke up after the surgery I had terrible cramping that only got worse and worse. The nurses had to wheel me back into recovery and pumped me with multiple pain meds and whatever else they put into me. When I was finally able to leave and go home the pain only continued. It was so bad that I couldn’t use the toilet. Not one of the things I ever expected from IVF. This pain went on for about a week. The worst pain I’ve ever been in. I can’t even begin to describe. The weird thing was the pain was in my bowel and tummy. We found out that a complication from egg pick up can be a perforated bowel because all of those parts are so close together down there and the needle can go through that little wall. The potential complications from that caused considerable pain for about 6-8 weeks. And of course lots of time off of work.

We had 8 eggs collected and this time 7 fertilised. Five days later at egg transfer they told us that one was ready for transfer and one needed another day to see if it could freeze but the others hadn’t made it. This time Scott came for the transfer as he had changed jobs again. A much better workplace that understood this journey.

And the two week wait started again. And in 14 days it ended again with another period. And another negative blood pregnancy test. But we received a letter saying that our little one had survived to be frozen. That was a relief. I cried when I got that letter. The thought of not having to inject every night was such a relief.

So back to the fertility specialist to book in for round 3 – a frozen egg transfer. We had the option of a medicated cycle or a natural one. We chose natural as it gave my body a chance to be clean from the meds. We still had to have many blood tests to monitor my cycle so that they could time my ovulation with the transfer in the days afterwards. We also had to have another two ultrasounds to track the lining of the uterus. This also meant days off of work due to the time of the ultrasounds.

I had to start the pessaries morning and night and they had to be timed exactly 12 hours apart. Plus I had to lay down for an hour after each one so that they could be absorbed by my body. Pessaries are progesterone medications to support pregnancy. Many people either don’t get pregnant or they miscarry due to not enough progesterone. So this is a standard thing when doing an IVF cycle. The pessaries were very tricky to time. Getting up extra early to fit it in before work. This would continue well into pregnancy if I got pregnant (like at least up to 12 weeks). Finally we were ready for our transfer. And then the two week wait began.

9 days after a 5 day transfer I did a home pregnancy test prior to the bloods to prepare myself for the outcome. It had two little lines. Two lines that we hadn’t seen for almost 2 years now. And our blood test confirmed that we were pregnant. At last!

We were booked in for a scan at 6 weeks. However before we could make 6 weeks my body started having heart problems. I had a heart rate of 247 and had to be taken by ambulance from work to hospital. Now that was embarrassing. And then a few days later it happened again and had to go to hospital again. I had to have many days off of work while we tried to find out what was wrong with my body. And to make sure the baby was okay. All seemed fine. And our 6 week ultrasound confirmed a little baby with a little beating heart! At long last! 🙂

We saw a very specialised specialist in immunology and fertility who put me on nightly Clexane injections (wow do these sting!! And the bruises! IVF needles were nothing compared to these!), prednisone to make my body not attack the embryo, and low dose aspirin to also thin the blood. I still had to do the twice daily pessaries along with the laying down inconvenience, plus the pregnancy multi vitamin and an extra foliate tablet. Yes, I had to learn to swallow tablets. On top of all of this was the salafolk suppositories for my ulcerative colitis. I felt like I had meds going into all holes at set times!

Each day was a blessing and each day we got closer to getting past our previous miscarriages dates/weeks. We had another scan at 8 weeks and our little one’s heart beat was nice and strong. The shape was starting to take place. We finally had our little miracle. I had a check up with my obstetrician at 9 weeks and all was fine – the little heart beat was a cute little flicker on the ultrasound screen.

We finally reached 10 weeks. Every week when we got to a new week on the Tuesday in the pregnancy we celebrated together, Scott and I. We were so excited and so in love. And then in week 10 on day 2 I experienced some pink spotting. I was so worried but remembered that it can be normal so tried to take it easy and not worry. The following day at 10 weeks 3 days the pink turned to red blood. I left work and went straight to the emergency department. An hour later Scott came to be by my side. What a relief. After many hours at the hospital they finally did a tummy scan. It showed our little one and they thought they could see a heart beat. What a relief.

Thankfully we had another internal scan already booked at our IVF clinic the following afternoon. I had the day off of work for bed rest. So I rested and tried not to worry. The bleeding had stopped so I wasn’t too worried. But then it returned. I cried for a few hours until Scott got home to take us to the city to our clinic.

We arrived at our clinic and waited to be called in. Our favourite sonographer was on and thankfully she called us in. When we walked through her doors into the room I had some tears in my eyes and she immediately asked what was wrong. We explained what had happened the last two days. She was so lovely and tried to reassure us that she would get straight to it and tell us straight away how everything was. I was half expecting her to immediately find that little heart beat and tell us everything is going to be fine. We would probably cry with relief and everything would be fine.

But that wasn’t the case. She did her usual scan and was particularly more quiet than her usual happy self. Then she turned to me with tears in her eyes and a trembling voice. I instantly knew. She said she was so sorry but there was no heat beat. The scan showed the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. It was over. Our miracle had died and was not going to be joining our family. She went out to arrange an urgent meeting with our fertility specialist and gave us some time to grieve together in the ultrasound room.

We were lead to a quiet waiting area where one of the nurses came and talked to us. She also had tears in her eyes as we tried to stop ours from flowing. We saw the fertility specialist and we discussed what/where to next and possible testing of the embryo. She was also visibly upset too.

And now we wait for the miscarriage and the pain to come. If it doesn’t pass on its own then we will have to have a d&c next week – which would be better for the testing to happen.

Devastating. How do you say goodbye to someone that you have prayed for so long and so hard to be able to meet. To say hello to. And the confusion sets in. Why again? What did I do wrong? Will we ever have kids? Do we really have to start another IVF cycle again? How will we get time off work to go to all of the ultrasounds and blood tests required for another cycle? How many cycles will it take? Why did this one die???? Why won’t God get out of bed to answer us knocking and pleading at his door?? Why? Do we give up now?

For now we have to deal with this one. We have to grieve. Say goodbye. And somehow try not to lose ourselves in this grief.
I do describe the infertility journey as a roller coaster. So many highs and so many extreme lows. We can go from such excitement to suddenly loss. A loss of our baby and a loss of hope. And then anger. Why won’t my body do what it’s meant to? Anger that surrogacy is so expensive in Australia. We have had dear friends offer to carry a baby for us but due to our country  it’s even more unaffordable than IVF. So how do we plan anything from here?

And then there’s adoption. Well to adopt we would have to cease trying to have our own child for at least 12 months before we are even allowed to apply. And then that would pretty much mean we can’t attempt our own family. Plus the legal fees and regulations involved… it’s full on.

This is why when people say to us “why don’t you adopt?” I also feel like smacking them in the head! I’m honestly not a violent person but there are a few sensitive things that make me get cranky so fast and it’s usually due to naive people meaning well but actually saying the dumbest things. Do people really think that when someone has been on this journey this long, suffered so many losses and bared so much pain that we wouldn’t have already exhausted all other options? Do they expect us to go “oh wow what a great idea?! I hadn’t thought of that! I think I’ll go adopt a child this week!” Because it’s that easy! And inter-country adoption is even more difficult than Australian adoptions. Yes we honestly have exhausted all other options! If we had the money then we could probably accept we can’t have kids and put the money into adoptions. But we simply don’t have the cash required to do this. And that doesn’t mean we can’t afford kids, again kids don’t cost you $20,000 in fees to consider having them before being approved to have them do they? For most people they just happen and you then have the same child costs as anyone finally with a child.

So how do we deal with another loss? Our 6th baby to never be born as a child for our family. Well I don’t know. I don’t know how to deal. One moment I’m okay. And the next I’m a complete mess in tears.

Is this the end? I don’t know. So I will cry. I will laugh. I will probably get very mad and angry. But I will not lose my positive spirit, well not forever. I will be strong at times and a mess at others. And I will prepare for the excruciating pain that I know I’m about to experience as my body starts to recognise this as a miscarriage. Going through labour pains is something I was looking forward to so that we could bring our child into this world. But going through labour pains only to bring our now dead baby just feels so pointless.

And so the wait starts. Feels like this journey of full of waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting for my body to release the baby.. Waiting. waiting. waiting… waiting for our miracle… if he or she ever becomes a reality…

So I’ve decided to create this blog so that when we go through our next round I can document it, share it and if it results in disappointment then we don’t have to verbally tell anyone – it will all be here. Harder than the grief we feel inside is having to tell others that there has been a loss, or a disappointment. It’s also a way for me to get out my thoughts so they don’t eat away inside of me. I’ve never really been a big writer but I am a thinker. I over think everything.

Right now I am feeling broken. Shattered. Numb. Empty. I know this won’t last forever and I will pick myself back up soon. I will cuddle my dogs and they will make everything feel so much better.

Hug your children. If you are pregnant, smile and enjoy. Love your partner. Love your pets.

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51 responses to “Our Journey to now

  1. Teresa Quinn says:

    Jen it was beautiful and both heartbreaking to read your story.after 8 failed cycles I am still waiting to get pregnant again.all our stories are so diverse but we all share the same pain of wanting that one little baby that sticks.thinking of you and hope u will get answers to be able to carry your little earth moracle

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Thanks Teresa. Yes I agree. We all have a very different story but we all share that same pain, that same joy, and that same grief. I hope you get your little miracle soon xxx

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  2. Pam says:

    thanks that was so lovely your story to here makes u realise that ur not alone. People that have never done ivf have no idea all the pain and heartbreak we go through month after month

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Thanks Pam. I call our little community our little sisterhood – we are all here to support each other and be there through the highs and lows. You’re never alone xxx

      Like

  3. scrappinmad says:

    I love you both so much. I wish I could be there to gives hugs, to listen or to sit in silence… Anything to support you both. I’m thankful for your blog, to be able to be with you in this way. All my love, prayers, hugs, tears & more are with you. I’m not there in person, but I’ll always be there in spirit. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Michele says:

    Jen, I’m so so so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through. I’ve been TTC for 1 1/2 years with no luck either. I’ve had 3 miscarriages and they never get easier. A little of your heart dies with the babies. =( I do have to count my blessings because I do have a beautiful 9 yo daughter. Good luck to you and your family. Good bless you. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Cath Wilson says:

    Oh Jen. I can’t imagine…but I know what I can pray for. Thank you for sharing, we often don’t know the right thing to say or do when people grieve or go through situations we can’t comprehend. So thank you, you have made me think how I can support couples walking this path with my words. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Thanks Cath. I guess with loss of any kind is so hard to know what to say and even the best intentions can cause more pain. But everyone is different and what hurts for one may not just for another 😉 thank you for taking the time to read this xxx

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  6. Cass says:

    Jen, I am so very sorry to read your heart breaking journey. You are such an amazing person and deserve the very best. You and Scott are in my prayers and thoughts. You are so strong to share your journey with us. I have everything crossed for a positive result 😘😘😘

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Sharren says:

    What a good thing to write your story for others to hear and understand your struggles to achieve what most find so easy. You are very brave. Make sure you give yourselves a chance to greive in the way you need to without worrying about what other people will say. Do what is right for you both. And please ask for help and accept it. You have heaps of friends and family who love and care about you. Xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Thanks Sharren. Breaking the silence has brought some relief and taken some pressure away. I hope that it helps someone out there realise that they aren’t alone. Thanks for taking the time to read it xxx

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  8. Fiona Day says:

    Dear Jen, I don’t know you but I went to school with your mum. I am so sad after reading your blog heartbreaking story. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be. Going through this so many times and waiting now to give birth. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Praying you will be healed and blessed with a miracle very soon. God Bless

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Thanks Fiona. I guess it’s all part of the journey. It’s not something I would ever choose to go through. 😉 Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I appreciate it xxx

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  9. Erin says:

    The tears are rolling down my face. You being such a beautifully private person, you’ve kept this and I am so proud that you have had the courage to express this journey. You two really are about the nicest and most sincere I’ve ever had the pleasure of getting to know. You are a blessing to have in life and one day that door must open and mirror what you are and the incredible delight that you deserve. I’ll knock for you too.

    You are an inspiration and a true reminder of all that needs to be brought to our thoughts. Be strong, I’m not sure you could be any stronger though, snuggle up tight to those puppies. Thank you for sharing this journey. All my love xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Thanks Erin. Sorry to make you cry. I feel so bad for making anyone carry any of our pain. Thank you for taking the time to read this. And your beautiful words. Please keep knocking for us 😉 maybe if we all knock loud enough that heavy door will open. Hehe 😉 sending you lots of love xxx

      Like

  10. Leigh carreira says:

    So sorry for your heartache. My sister tried for 7 years 9 failed treatments and was told she will never be able to conceive. Miracles happen! She now has three healthy perfect boys (NATURALLY) Keep strong x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Thank you for sharing some hope with us Leigh. We’re waiting for that miracle. Hopefully one day soon. Please give your sister a big hug from us. What an incredible woman. She’s inspired us just reading what you said xxx

      Like

  11. Dana Taylor says:

    Hi Jen your blog is more than just your journey its helped me understand the emotional trauma of the miscarriage as my sister in law just lost an angel and is really struggling, so thank you for sharing your story and helping us along our journey,⛅

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Hi Dana. Thanks for taking the time to read and to try to understand. I’m so sorry for your sister in law. She is lucky to have you for support, even if it’s just a meal left at her door. If she is up to reading this it may help her realise she isn’t alone and the pain is real. She will be in my thoughts. xxx

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  12. Stephanie says:

    A very sincere thank you to you for taking the time, making the effort & being brave enough to describe & record & share you experience with strangers. I am a stranger that you have helped. I intend to share your story with my family, my partner & my friends because I can relate & I believe it may help them understand what I struggle to describe.
    I find some forums are hard to be part of when your journey isn’t going to plan. Reading your story, helps put mine into perspective. I admire your strength. Thank you again

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Thank you for taking the time to read and respond Stephanie. I’m so sorry that you are going through similar struggles. This journey is beyond heartbreaking. I hope that sharing this will help those close to you better support and understand you. You are brave and strong. My thoughts are with you xxx

      Like

  13. Ann Schorr says:

    Hi Jen thank you so much for sharing your story about you and Scott. I am sure you have been an inspiration to many others in the same situation. You are both so brave and an encouragement to others. We pray that it is God’s will to grant you a little miracle. Our heart aches for you as you have so much love to give to a little one. Wishing you continued strength on you journey. Lots of love. Ann

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Thank you Ann. I really appreciate your kind words and prayers. Thank you for taking the time to read our story so far. Scott is an incredible guy and I’m so blessed to be married to him xxx

      Like

  14. Martha says:

    Dear Jen
    I, too, went through college with your parents and have just read your long and heartbreaking account. I work with younger women who have traveled the IVF route– some without success some with only one success, some with more success–but I had no idea just how involved/intrusive that process could be. Meanwhile, in my work at a primary school with many youngsters who come from broken families, my heart has ached again and again. My prayers are for you and Scott, that God will guide you to a place that is just right, that He might surprise you with what you have been prepared to do, to fulfill your loving desires. God be with you both.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Christine says:

    Dear Jen & Scott, I am so sorry to read about your incredibly difficult journey. Life seems so unfair. Some people have babies so easily and then destroy their lives through abuse. Thank you for sharing your excruciatingly painful journey so that we can better understand and better support people going through similar situations. You are so right, we can say the dumbest things to people who are going through any type of life’s difficulties. I know what to pray for now. I can’t offer any other type of support, but to now know what you and your extended family are going through will help me pray for God’s love and compassion to be poured out on you and Scott. One thing on your, a loving and supportive family. All my love Christine

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Thank you Christine. Life sure can be confusing. We have always wanted to adopt a child, even looooong before we began the journey we are currently on. It’s a disappointment that our system makes this option incredibly different when there are so many children needing homes and so many couples wanting to welcome them in. Thanks for your prayers and taking the time to read xxx

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  16. Candy Ingle says:

    Jenn, I am so sorry for your losses. I never knew how hard IVF is and I surely didn’t know the cost. We did not get that far. Just as we were going to start the next step towards IVF we were introduced to a young teen couple who were pregnant and went through LDS family
    Services and Adopted. They have now stopped adoptions through LDS so as you said the cost regularly through other agency is extremely costly. It weighs so heavy on our hearts when little ones don’t come and each cycle just seems to be a disappointment. My sweet 2cousin just lost her daughter and they buried her yesterday. She had just gone in for a check up and a
    Few days later she couldn’t find a heart beat. She was 6 days from her scheduled c-section. It has been a
    Great loss for her but she has faith in our Heavenly Father so I know she’ll pull through. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that one day you will get that miracle.
    Hugs and prayers
    Candy

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Hi Candy. Thank you for reading and for taking the time to share your story too. This road is one that many have travelled even part of the way. I’m glad that by us sharing our journey others can relate. I’m so terribly sorry for your cousin. That is truly heartbreaking beyond words. I don’t know what else to say. Please give her a big hug from me. Sometime a hug is all we can do to comfort xxx

      Like

  17. Sharon Daishe says:

    My heart and love are with you Jen & Scott, I am so sorry to hear about your suffering. What a journey and very strong and brave of you to share for yourself and others. I just wish you a miracle or several along with continued strength to carry on – which I think you have in spades. Lots of love & blessings, Sharon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Thanks Sharon. It used to feel like a lonely road but speaking out has shown us we aren’t alone. I think it’s also shown many others they aren’t alone either. Thank you for reading and taking the time to respond too. xxx

      Like

  18. Noeleen says:

    Dear Jen
    I feel the anguish from your journey now I know how deep the pain is that you are experiencing I will pray for courage for you both for God’s healing hand in your life and your body.
    Blessings to you both
    Much love
    Noeleen

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Jacqui Afiouni (Omar) says:

    Thank you for your story of courage and love Jen. I had no idea how difficult and challenging IVF could be. I do know what it feels like to yearn for a child for many years, and I do know the pain of miscarriage which makes it so difficult to consider how much pain you have endured, but also so incredible to read how positive and brave you both have been. God’s comfort is an incredible blessing, and I pray His comfort surrounds you as you grieve and process this loss, I hope you are given the answers and guidance you need. A thought nagged at me as I read your story, a d I hope it isn’t one of those dumb things people say, and you don’t feel like slapping me :-), but with your changed work schedules, could going back to clomid with a more relaxed window for doing ‘the deed’ be worth exploring… I’m sure with all the specialists you’ve discussed that, but sometimes we park an idea and I’m just mentioning it in case it could be a time to consider when you’re ready to start trying again. It was a very stressful routine you had then, maybe in a more relaxed one, who knows… I wish you the joy of hope fulfilled. You would be a beautiful Mum Jen xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Thank you Jacqui. I really appreciate you reading and also taking time to respond. That’s a great idea except my specialist said today that she seems to think it might be chromosomal issues which would mean we need to check all future embryos otherwise they will continue to end in a miscarriage. I think she is probably right because we’ve been on meds to stop my immune issues and therefore attacking the embryo, so now it looks like they will need to look at each one for genetic issues. At least we might be getting closer to some answers. Thank you so much again. Means a lot to us xxx

      Like

    • Jen says:

      Ps I don’t feel like slapping you 😉 haha all good xxx

      Like

  20. Danielle marsh says:

    You guys are amazing. To see everything that you guys have been through and are going through just breaks my heart. I don’t understand why this is is happening to you guys, I don’t know any couple that deserve this little miracle more. You guys have always been such an amazing couple in my eyes. I so wish there was something I could do to help you guys. Your strength and positive attitude throughout this process is just amazing. I will be following your continuing journey and praying for you.
    I love you guys so much. Stay strong, stay positive where possible and good luck. You are always in my thoughts! Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Thanks Danielle. Sometimes the journey may suck but we have to find a way to make the most of it. It not about the destination but about the journey and what doesn’t break us will only make us stronger. Enjoy this special time in your life as you prepare to welcome your little one to this earth. So so so excited for you guys xxxx

      Like

  21. KimmyD says:

    Hi Jen and Scott. I can’t even imagine how awful it would be to loose six beautiful babes. My heart would be shattered, too. It would be such a lonely place, that much loss. That much pain. To loose a child (and don’t let anyone fool you, you have lost a child. You have lost 6) that you need to hold in your arms has got to be one of lifes truly horrible experiences.

    I truly don’t understand why its soo expensive. Its just not fair….I would love to donate towards expenses. Perhaps we could set up a go-fund-me account for you both? I love you, Jen. I wish there was something I could do…. 😦 xxoo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      I guess loss of any kind is shattering to the soul. But we have to find joy in the sadness somehow. I wish this subject would get an overview in our legal system so that options like surrogacy or adoption could actually be a viable option for people who aren’t super rich. You are so kind but we could never take money from people. I guess this is the hand of cards we have been dealt so we just have to do our best and for now the only thing I could think of was doing these blogs. Love right back at ya and thank you so much for reading xxx

      Like

  22. KimmyD says:

    Jen,I forgot to mention that I was on clomid with Vandy. That stuff is PURE EVIL. I have never been sicker in my entire life!!

    My girls all have blood disorders, factor 5 Leiden, low S protein, etc. etc.. all of which cause multiple miscarriages. When they are at a place where they want babies they will all have to be on Clexane shots twice daily whilst trying to conceive and through the entire pregnancy. Those shots are awful. I guess from your post that they checked you for blood disorders? I am assuming that from how many vials of blood they took… xxoo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Yes clomid is evil!! Haha. I hated being on that. I don’t ever want to have that stuff again. Yep I think I’ve pretty much been checked for everything under the sun and possibly the moon too. Lol. On top of the 38 vials I then had about 10 more from the immunologist specialist who combines with fertility. He is incredible. He’s the one who put me on the Clexane. And oh yes. The bruises look terrible! But it is all worth it! At least you know now so that they can be proactive straight away. xxx

      Like

  23. Jules W says:

    Jen I missed you so much when you went back to Sydney. My mum was unable to have children and suffered many miscarriages and have heard similar stories from her. Your strength and you and Scotts love is inspiring. My heart and thoughts are with you. Always Jules xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Thanks Jules. Your mum was a very brave woman – just like you are too. Thank you for taking the time to both read and respond. We appreciate it and hope that by sharing our journey, that others will be able to relate, not feel alone and that the silence will finally break. Miss you heaps too. Give my love to all the dogs xxx

      Like

  24. Kim W says:

    Jen & Scott, I am devastated that all of this pain & loss has been happening to you. Crying while trying to write this as I am very sad for you! I have 2 gen cousins that have had the same issues w/pregnancy but, by no mean pretend to understand. I only know of my own journey which wasn’t as intense as yours. I had tried several times over the yrs to become pregnant (even the natural way) come to find out that my actions as a much younger me has made it so I can’t conceive.(an abortion advised by my Mother) The Dr that performed the procedure was found to be doing things to prevent girls from ever getting pregnant again! So I was robbed by this doctor. More later if you are interested. Back to you guys. Jen you’ve always seemed so strong, I just wish I had known the troubles you & Scott were going through then. I had always thought us to be friends… I wish I could of been there somehow for you both. I was really sad when you moved away. Now I understand. If you guys ever need to just get away feel free to come visit us we live a street away from the beach & you are always welcome in our home. We have a nice little guest room lol. I will keep you both in my thoughts & my prayers Xxx to you both. Kim ~

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Thank you for reading and sharing your struggles too. Unfortunately this is the type of thing that has been made to keep quiet by society so no one ever really knows do they. I’m glad we have chosen to break the silence. Thanks for your prayers and I’m glad you guys have settled in nicely to your new place xxx

      Like

  25. Cheryl Orton says:

    Jen, you are amazing and extremely brave in writing your blog – I don’t know you personally but my husband and I feel we know your journey…. writing it down is a way of grieving and sharing it with others helps you move through it – whether you have had one miscarriage or a dozen they are all painful and I admire your courage in sharing it…. I myself have been down your road with many many miscarriages and each time when you see a heart beat your hope rises and then the next time there is no heart beat and you feel empty, broken, devastated, dead and ask what’s the point!… But I do know that God does care about you – and He does love you no matter what you go through. This is my prayer for you –

    “Lord, our Awesome Dad, You have made this beautiful woman Jen and her husband Scott – they are Your children Father whom you have so wonderfully made and knew before they were even born themselves and they are gifts on this earth – and You know their journey they are going through, You know the pain they are experiencing not only physically but mentally and emotionally – Lord, you gave us Your son Jesus who died on the cross for all mankind – and He took on every sin, sickness, disease and that means it was done on the Cross – therefore, we pray for Jen and Scott that their hopes of carrying a child to full term and entering this world are fulfilled that they can experience the joys of being parents – just like Hannah, Sarah and Elisabeth who are only a few in your Word that were once barren who cried out and you heard their cries and they were able to bare children – you tell us Lord that You hear our words and and for us to make our requests made known to you – you also tell us in Hebrews that You will never forsake us or leave us and that in John 14:27 you tell us that you will leave us peace and for our hearts to not be troubled … it doesnt always come that easy but through your strength Lord we pray for these gifts to be poured upon Jen and Scott and make yourself known in their hearts right now even though they may be feeling like you have deserted them – give them hope and comfort! and may you restore Jen’s body to normal to be able to conceive and miraculously bare a child – nothing is impossible with you Lord! We thank you in all things through and in our Saviour Jesus. Amen!”

    Love to you Jen and always in our prayers!
    Love Colin and Cheryl

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jen says:

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read, respond and send a prayer for us, Cheryl. It’s certainly been and is a rollercoaster. We have faith that Hope is in a great place and one day we will be blessed with a child. Stay tuned, we will update in the future when we are able to do another IVF round xxx

      Like

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